BadBoy Persona
by AustinMoons
Summary: "You said you wanted to take things slow, yet I saw you speeding around the city in your car, drunk. I guess the risk of death was more appealing than falling love with me"
1. Chapter 1

I'm weak. _So so, very, weak._ I'm alone, scrolling his Facebook. He's tearing me apart. Ruining my perfect world. Stepping on everything I love with those slick, black, expensive leather boots. The ones that I remember so perfectly thrown on my bed room floor. The ones that make that _clang _sound when ever he walked on a hard surface. The ones that made him inches taller. Tall enough to be out of my reach, but somehow small enough to fall threw my grasp. Shit.

_Shit._

I'm just making myself angry. Why do I do this? Why do I do this to myself? Everyday it's the same thing. Every single day. Ive always mocked those girls who post about heart break and loss from a boyfriend. Thinking, they can't possibly know heart break, they're too young. _Too young to even be with their boyfriends. _Most of these boys in my town are either

Snobby and rich. The definition of rich privilege.

Old. Mid-thirties, with a wives and kids. But, that doesn't stop them from going down to the local stop joint.

Or, the worst kind if boy. The ones who only want a fling but fill your head with lies. Saying you're his special one.

Unfortunately for me, I picked one this 2 of the 3 traits. Blonde, rich, not in his thirties, player.

Continuing my relentless attack on his Facebook. I scroll his past profile pictures, scroll his timeline pictures, scroll his family album pictures. That's one of things thats always confused me about him. Acting like he never had a heart but around his unusually large and quite attractive family he always had this smile and shine to his eyes. I notice that the family still hasn't patched things up with the Dad of the fam. Along with a brother missing. He loved his family, nother less.

Austin was the black sheep of the family. It was obvious. With his leather jackets and bad boy persona. He had the ability to look model like blonde. Ive seen it before. Although my memories replay more as a dream than anything else. It was at his mothers work anniversary, she was accepting some award. His hair was neatly brushed, suit with a perfect size tie. _God he looked like he was pulled strait out of magazine. _Even the older women of the groups were gouging at him.

After that him and I had our own award party at my house. Thank god for my dads unconventional work emergency. He looked so good that night I probably would've let him take me right there even if my dad was present.

I continue my scroll. I look at his old high school pictures. _What a cutie. _I scroll. Scroll more until I find this picture that brings a wide smile to me. Its him and I.

Him and I on his mothers couch with popcorn. This must've been years ago this was taken because I still had my glasses.

This also must've been way before I ruined his couch.

I was late for "my time of month" and I decided to wear a light red skirt. Not a good combination. I was so embarrassed I ran into his bathroom and cried. I remember the panic that struck me when I thought about how I ruined his moms precious _white _couch. I remember him knocking on the door. Maxi pads in one hand and smashed strawberries smeared on the other. It took a while for me to process what exactly he'd done. It was until I looked past him I saw _exactly _what he'd done. He crushed and wiped strawberries all over the couch to hide my mishap. "Here" he said, handing me the box of lady products "I'll be right back" he continued before leaving me, both speechless and slight at awe. He came back moments later with pj pants. _His pj pants. _

After this moment we were close. An innocent just friends close.

Those same pj bottoms are stowed away in the very back of my closest. Never to be worn again. My hand slips and I drop my phone on my bedroom carpet. I pick it up slowly afraid I cracked it. Is it just me or do these new iPhones crack easier that the others? When I turn my phone around I see something even more terrifying that a crack. A blue thumb lit up. A blue thumb indicating a like. A blue thumb indicating _I _liked that photo.

That old photo of us on the couch. I tap it again quickly only to re light up the blue Facebook thumb again. My heart races. _I just liked a picture from 2011. _I don't know if I should cry or set both my phone end myself on fire. I throw my phone across the room.

Not really caring if the stupid thing crack or even combust into flames at this point. _Maybe he wont notice. Maybe he wont ever go on Facebook again. Maybe I should pack up my stuff and move to Australia or somewhere even further._ Just then my phone buzzes. Nice. My mind goes into a panic. I feel that burning sensation in my nose, the one I get when I'm on the verge of tears. I slowly grab my phone. Oh thank god, I think to myself. Its just a stupid Facebook notification, probably another stupid game request. I click it and my heart drops.

"Austin Moon(Friends with Dez Wade) commented on a photo of you". I click it and my fingers turn to ice.

"Smooth, Dawson"

That's it. _That's all he said. _Two words, two fuckin words and I'm fuming. I try to think of ways to explain what happened.

"I was scrolling your Facebook and accidentally liked and old photo" no no that wont due. We're not even friends on Facebook anymore so it would be obvious I was stalk- I mean _scrolling _his account.

"My cat jumped on my phone" I don't even own a cat he will never fall for it.

"I was looking through your photos because I miss you, miss us. I was looking through new photos and old photos when I saw this one and it reminded me of how close we used to be and how much I loved just hanging out with you. How happy and comforting you made me feel. I was scrolling your photos because I still love you and miss you." This one is a big no.

My phone buzzes again. I message. I my heart already knew before my mind did. It was Austin.

Him: Liking old picks, eh ;)?

Me: it was an accident

It says "seen at 3:14 am" so I know he saw it.

His typing bubble pops up, disappears, and pops up again.

Him: Whatever you say, babe.

I want to type "not your babe" but a part of me still so desperately wants to be "his babe". The babe that wears his leather coat, and rides in his car, and is know as "Austin's babe". I'd get it tattooed on my forehead and legally change my name to "Austin's babe" just for the world to know. God I'm pathetic.

Him: Als…

_Nonononononononono NO nO No please NO_

Me: Its, Allison

Him: …

Him: Ive always called you Als, it'd be weird to call you something else :(

_Take your stupid emotions and shove them up your a-_

Him: Can I come over?


	2. Chapter 2

**Ayyy so heres the next chapter, hope you like it!**

...

I don't how long I sat in silence but i could feel my heart beat in my ears. I feel as if I say "yes" I will just go back to the same thing. There was a reason we broke up in the first place.

Part of me wants to say "yes" but I know I'll get hurt again.

Hurt again and again and again

Nostalgia is a dirty liar that insists things were better than they seemed.

I look at my phone. 10 minutes has passed since he asked. Wow time flies when you're wallowing in pity.

I let out the air I wasn't aware I was holding in. I let my mind type, then my fingers.

Me: Its not a good night

It was true, tonight wasn't a good night. Probably the worst in w while, the last thing I needed was him. I want him, yeah, but hes no good. He's the forbidden fruit, im Eve.

Him: guess what

Me: what

I sigh, I bet it's a knock knock joke. God, I used to love his jokes. Sometimes he would make up jokes just for me, just to make me happy.

A sudden knock at the front door startles me. Its 4 am, who the hell is at my door?. I walk to the door, look through the peep hole. Its black. Some one is covering their identity. Im not gonna die to day, no sir. A kitchen knife in on hand and 911 ready to go on the phone placed on the counter I approach the door. I unlock the sting lined lock and grip the handle. Slowly open the door and

"Hey"

Oh my god. Its him. I freak. My mind races and I feel a panic attack coming on. I feel like, like, well okay so you know the feeling when you're leaning on a chair and it tips a bit too far and you feel that far of falling? Yeah that's how I feel.

Its raining and he's standing in the rain, in the pooring gloomy depressing looking rain. Yet he looks the fucking sun.

"Its kind of cold out here, may I come in"

I don't move. Don't say anything.

"Its freezing balls out here" he says, shaking his shoulders and shoving his hand in his pockets "please let me in"

I move slightly. Just enough for him to pass. His cold and drenched hoodie arm brushes against mine. I got intense goose bumps. 10% because it was cold against my warm skin and 90% because his cold soul touched my warm heart.

"I know I just kind of…" he says standing a few feet away. Personal space, yes thank you.

"You're getting my carpet soaked" I finally squeak. My heart races and I feel light headed.

"Oh, shit, Im so sorry" he becomes inaudible when he walks into my hallway retuning with a towel damping him self off.

"How did you know where my towels are?"

"This place is tiny, makes it easier to remember where everything is" he states placing is wet shoes on the tile floor of the kitchen "you don't mind do you?"

"Why are you here" I brake the awkwardness, slicing it.

"Why are any of us here, on this so called eart-"

"No bullshit, Austin"

He looks at me, looks around. He walks into the living room, running his hand on the wall. "I missed this place…" he whispers. His voice is soft, I almost believe him.

"Austin, come on" I cross my arms. Blocking my heart from sending and messages to my brain. Sounds dumb, but I swear that's what happens!

"I really did miss this place" he states defensively. He looks down, breaking eye contact. Im so thankful the lights are off became my face is a flame, I can feel it.

"Did you come here because you ran out of girls to fuck? Did you come here thinking I would fall back into your arms? Begging to have you back because if that's the case you can leave"

"I can here because…" he walks around by the walls getting closer to me, running his hands on the walls again "I felt thing ended wrong, we didn't leave off on the right foot"

"If fucking my best friend at my own birthday party in the bathroom is what you call 'the wrong foot' then yeah"

"it wasn't even worth it, to be honest. She was too loud for my liking…"

"You're and ass"

"Careful, babe, you dated this ass" he gives me an eye piercing smile and walks closer. Too close. I back up

"You broke up with me, remember." My fists clench and I grow angry.

"I didn't want to"

"That's literally what everyone guys says. You're not even sorry enough to come up with something original. Nice, Austin. Nice " im fuming. I want him to leave and never come back.

"You're not understanding. Or maybe you're just not listening to me. I didn't want to end what we had. I had to end it."

"The normal me would rage on you right now but forgetting is the best revenge so as far as im concerned what we had was Nothing"

"I loved you alot, you know"

I think back to the first time he told me he loved me. It was so beautiful, hearing it roll off his tongue for me. It was right here, in this living room and the couch he now stands in front of. We had just got done playing CandyLand, I won like usual. He sucked at every board game known to man. During the fifth and final round, I felt bad that he couldn't compete with my amazing skills so I kept messing up on purpose. Every now and then moving my character back a little further or reading the cards wrong to purposely place myself in the mud when he wasn't paying attention. After he won he had this child like smile and shook his head at my. "I know what you were doing" he laughs. "What are you talking about" I laugh back. "Come on, not even I suck that bad. You let me win, I know it". I shook my head and brushed it off. That's when he said it. "I love you" I didn't take him seriously and jokingly said it back. "No, Ally I really love you" his laughter stopped and he looked serious.

Our argument continues after I snap back to reality.

"Is that why you left me and a day later hook up with a blonde sceez?"

"Hey, watch it now!" he points a finger at me and walks closer.

I throw my hands im and a sarcastic manner walking my way into the kitchen "Oh my bad, didn't mean to pull on your precious heart stings mister im-too-good-for-you!"

He follows, his footsteps loud and heavy even with out his boots "That's not even the case and you know it. I think you know exactly why I broke up with you but your mind has tricked you into thinking something else"

"All I know is that that blonde you, according to the school talk, loved so much meant more to you than our friend ship and relationship" my chest burns. He really needs to leave right now.

"I broke up with you because I loved you too much. My own insecurity got to me and I wasn't happy in our relationship, not because of you. God you were perfect, but I,myself, had too many things I needed to work on. When I was around you I felt guilty. Like I was stealing your kindness. That's another thing, you were always so, so nice to me. Treated me like I was something special and i-"

"You were special. Very, special to me." Stupid stupid stupid! See this is why I had my arms crossed!

"We had to break up. You were too good for me. Too nice. Too much love to give. We accept the love we think we deserve, you didn't give me the love I thought I deserved".

"I did all I could for you, to make you happy. To give life to our relationship that I adored so much. You come here and tell me I didn't love you enough, didn't give you the love you deserve? Are you FUCKING kidding me? "

"No. No. That's not what I said at all. You loved me too much. I don't deserve your love. I don't deserve you. You're too good for me, too good for anyone."

"I don't understand? We broke up because I loved you? Because I supported you? Because I cared about you and respected you?"

"Yes" he sighs.

"Get out" my cheeks burn and that all to familiar sensation in my nose returns and I don't know how long I can last until I combust

"WAIT, No"

"Get out or im calling the police. This was a mistake. Leave" tears stream and I cant stop them.

"I love you" pleads. That was it. I cant take this

"Please. Please leave. Please" I open the door, indicating its time to go now.

He walks out, not looking at me. He leaves. And takes the last piece of my broken heart with him. It feels as if he literally ripped my body open and tore my heart out and proceeded to walk away like nothing happened as I lay gasping for air. And an explanation. I am nothing but an empty shell. A heartless empty shell devoured but my owner person predator.

...

**Reviews are nice:)**


	3. Chapter 3

Austin POV

_God dammit. God fucking dammit. _

_You ruin everything, Austin. FUCK!_

I hit my steering wheel, once, twice, then I lost count. The sides of my hands stung. Saying "I love you" at such a time ruined everything! I might of gotten to my apology if I would've just shut up and let her talk! _Fuckin Christ, Austin! You stupid inconsiderate asshole! _

_Stupid! Stupid! STUPID!_

_You're just like your father!_

I grab my keys, fumbling and dropping them by the peddles. I try and find my way threw the dark. Once I find them I sit up only to hit the back of my head on the bottom of the steering wheel. "Fuck!" I shout hitting the car horn in anger and embarrassment. I start my car and sped off. The tires screeching as I pull out. I'm speeding. I don't care. I make it to the highway.

"In&Out next left" the sign reads. _Perfect. I could use a nice milkshake right now_. I make a turn and not to long later I find a parking spot. Its 5 am and I can just barley see the sun coming up. Days like this, in the summer, the sun rises so early. Its beautiful too! Having a crimson-ish pink tint surrounded with waves of orange. God, its gorgeous. So, so gorgeous.

I sit in silence for a long time. I feel a tug in my chest. I tug indicating I've been staying still for too long. Father always told me its never healthy to bathe yourself in your own pity and sadness. Maybe that's why he left Mom and us kids. "He's just on work travel, hun." My moms smile never seemed to reach her eyes after dad left her. Left us. I was young but old enough to know dad was never coming home. Now it was my moms job to take care of us kids. Luckily, my sister, the oldest was around to help out. My brother joined the military. So now mom and sis was just left with three other kids.

My sister was so young but aged quickly. She was stressed, stressed because of mom, stressed because of us, stressed because she was twenty three and already had the mind of a fifty year old. She started to isolate herself when I reached high school. I'm the youngest by far. By the time I was a freshmen my other two siblings had moved out. So now it was my sister, my mom, and me. 

My family and I are known for stating business. My father being one of the best business men this side of Miami has ever seem. We're supposed to keep up that "perfect home" antique. I broke that rule a long time ago.

I thought buying myself a leather jacket would make my life 100% better and I was totally right. Best decision ever.

A small grumble from my stomach pulls me back. I think about how nice a milkshake and some fries would be and I remember I'm in the parking lot of my favorite place. A feeling of joy comes over me and I feel child like again.

I open my car door and shut it a little to hard. I actually busted my window on my old car by doing that. I need to make a reminder to be more careful. This car is my precious baby, anyways. The only girl I need in my life.

I walk in, the jingles on the door get the attention of the front desk waitress. She looks young. She also looks like she hasn't slept in at least 24 hours. "Hi, welcome to In and Out!" she greets me with a fake exhausted smile. "Would you like your order for here or to go?". I think about it for a second. I have nothing better to do so why not? "Here, please." She gives me a polite smile, I return one of similar sorts. She hands me a menu. Our hands graze for a split second. I look up and see her once seconds ago please cheeks now have a small pink color to them. I smirk and follow her to my single table.

I sit. "Any drinks for the lovely semi night semi morning?" she gives me a cheeky smile. "Um" I chuckle "May I have a strawberry milk shake, please?" "Absolutely." She walks off. I look around. Not to many people here. A elderly couple, a guy who looks like he eats sardines right out of the can, and a small boy with who I assume is his father. The father son duo reminds me of my pops and me, back when we got along. It brings a smile to my face. Often, I think about what he's doing now. How life's treated him. And despite all the pain and heart break he's caused the family, I hope he's living happy.

The kind waitress returns with a small tray with the shake placed on it. She approaches with a kind warm smile. She goes to place the shake down while also trying to grab the straw. It doesn't work out so well and the cold milkshake falls in my lap.

"Oh, fuck me!" the innocent looking waitress yells. The gasps and pulls back, covering her mouth. 'OH MY GOD!" she gaps "I didn't mean to sa- oh my god I'm so sor- i-" I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. _She's cute when she panics. _The manager walks over. "Is there a problem-oh" he paused and looked at the mess. "Sir, I am so sorry for the trouble she has caused!" the manager exclaimed. He turned to the waitress and began to yell at her. I felt bad "Sir, its okay" I nudged in "accidents happen" I flashed the manager the best smile I had. The manager looked aggravated. "Young man, thank you for your kindness. Missy here will be right back with another shake. But this time _it will make it safely" _he said threw his teeth. The waitress, or Missy I guess now that I know her name walked off.

She returned about five minutes later. The difference this around time was she didn't smile, didn't even make eye contact. She got to my table and carefully set the milkshake down _then grabbed the straw_. "Um, heres some cash for the extra shake" I say handing her a five. "No, its fine. Boss os taking it out of my pay check". I feel very bad. "is there anything I can get you to eat?" she all but whispers. I ask for a large plate of fries. She nods and proceeds to walk of.

Getting border, I grabbed one of the small pamphlets to my right. I read some recipes, some local news, and then about the new charity they're setting up here. I never liked charities. Not because I'm selfish or anything but its just, people invest so much money. Like my family. My family has invested millions to charities around the globe and you know how much of that money was actually used to help the actual cause? 15%. 15% of the money was used to help find a cure for breast cancer, feed the hungry, give animals shelter. The other 85% are used for the campaign, the posters, the t shirts. Meaningless little things. It's a rip off in my opinion. A waste.

Missy, I guess, returns with my fries. _Holy, shit that's a big plate a fries. _My stomach grumbles in excitement but I don't think my stomach has processed what's happening. "Your fries, sir" she smiles. "Thank you".

I look at my plate. Decide with fries looks the best. I have a very strange way of picking the first fry.

Just when I put the fry in my mouth I hear the waitress shout. "Bye, boss. I'm going home now." She walks past my table. I get her attention. "Um, ma'am" I say. She whips around and walks over to me. "Yes" she says. "Leaving so soon?" I tease. She smiles and looks down, hoisting her purse higher up on her shoulder. "Haha, yeah its finally time for me to leave their hell hole" she laughs. I smile at her before saying "You wouldn't mind spending a few more moments in this hell hole to help me finish my plate? I think I'm in over my head." I laugh. She laughs to. A nice warm laugh. I like it.

She agrees and plops down in the opposite booth. She waits for me to pick the first fry before joining. We talk about her job, what she's studying, her hobbies, and if she's single. We talk for a long time, barley touching the fry. _She's cute. _I think to myself.

Her knee accidentally grazes mine. She gasps "Sorry" she whispers. "Its fine" I smirk. She tilts her head and throws a fry at me. We laugh again.

"Well, its been great chatting with you but I have to return home. I have two small pups who are probably bouncing off the walls right now." She says standing up and grabbing her purse. "Thank you so much for the fries" she finishes. I smile at her not breaking eye contact. "Oh wait" I examined. I reach into my pocket and pull out a twenty dollar bill. "For all the troubles I may have caused you" I hand her the bill. "I can't accept this" she whispers "the spill was my fault, not yours" she shakes her head and hands the bill back. "Please, I insist." I say pushing her hand back.

Finally she accepts before saying thank you and leaving. I watch her walk out the door. I watch her walk to her car, slightly stumbling. I chuckle. _Shes quite the clumsy one. Like, Ally._

_Just like, Ally._

And as if it was on cue, the pulling of my chest returns. Its time to leave.


	4. Chapter 4

**Okay so this chapter is a little shorter than the rest. I'm so sorry about this but its mostly just a filler chapter.**

**...**

Ally's pov

Ive begun to pull my hair out. Literally. The small hair on the back of my head and the short hairs lining my ear are gone. Its gotten so bad its notable if you look to long.

I'm a mess.

Its been a week since Austin showed up so unexpectedly. I haven't moved, haven't talked to anyone, I've barley slept. The only person I trust is Trish. She told me not to fall for Austin but I did it anyways. When she came over yesterday I expected a "I told you so" but instead she just held me while let my emotions pore on their own.

She's having a party tonight. A sweet 16 even though she's 18. She never got a sweet 16 so I guess she's throwing one now? ½ of me wants to go and ½ have wants to stay home and cry and binge watch Netflix.

I don't even know what to wear if I showed up. I have no way of getting there and I have no clue who else is going.

All this thinking has made me tired. I need a nap.

….

_"__Hey". I look up and see a drink. My favorite. Cherry Pepsi. _

_"__Hi," i blush "its nice to see you again, Austin." I smile and look down._

_"__The pleasures all mine" he says popping he lid to his soda can. I look down at mine and tap the top twice for good luck. I try to open it put my hands are so tiny this what should be a simple task turns into a battle. Woman VS. Aluminum soda can. I hear Austin chuckle. He's looking at me, his cheeks rosy with color and his eyes warm and glossy. He smiles "Need some help?" "Oh…" I laugh "Yes please"._

_He opens my soda with one hand and gently slides it back to me. I grab a straw from the metal dispensers and take my first sip. He's smiling at me again, I act like I don't notice but I can feel my face burning. He laughs "You look cute when you're flustered". I look up "Whaaat, haha I'm not flustered" I smile and tease. "You're beautiful" he says in all seriousness. His eyes are dark and his face pale._

_He stands up and sits next to me, blocking me from the booth exit. "May I," he asks looking at my lips._

_Ive never been really kissed before. I grow nervous and weary. "Um…I" I break eye contact and take another sip of my soda. "This is good, thank you for getting me this" I politely whisper._

_He looks at my lips, then my eyes, then my lips again. My cheeks feels like they're on fire._

_"__Please" he softly says. His voice is so soft and gentle it gives me butterflies and by breath gets stuck in my throat. I take another sip of soda._

_He places a hand on the side of my face, stroking the hair above my ear._

_Suddenly the room, the restaurant, goes completely white and all I see is him. His touch is burning me. Physically burning my skin. He leans in and kisses my lips. He places his hands on each side of my face and I feel as though the breath is getting sucked out of my. I try to pull his hands off my only grab my hair. When I grab hand fulls fall out. My hair is falling out! He deepens the kiss and I try to lean away. I look at my hands and they begin to decay. The flesh growing more and more tight around my bones. I feel my face and all my bones are sticking out. He's sucking the life out of me. I look at his eyes. They're open but full of black. No color, no pupils, just black._

_I can't move I can't do anything I cant-_

_…_

I wake in a cold sweat. My blankets kicked off the bed and my hair sticking to my forehead. I touch my face and look at my hands. Everything is well.

_What the hell was that?_

Its 4 in the afternoon. I guess my nap was longer than expected.

I haven't had night terrors since I was 10 and I definitely never had them about _him._

What the hell was happening?

My phone buzzes. Its Trish.

5 unread texts. I'm screwed. I unlock my phone and read them one by one.

"You still coming to the party?"

"Ally, please don't ignore me. Your phone is literally in your band 24/7."

"If you want to come you only have like two hours to get ready."

"Ally, please. You're my best friend this is so important to me, please."

"Fine. Whatever…"

A 'fine', 'whatever' and three dots. I'm sooooo screwed. I feel a sinking feeling. A guilty feeling? I need to call Trish.

I dial the number.

Voicemail.

I try again.

Automatic voicemail.

_Shit._

I ponder what I need to do. I know exactly what I should do but I don't want to. I hate parties. All I ever do it sit awkwardly on the couch and deny any beverage giving to me. Plus every single house smelts like same. It reeks of alcohol, regret, and other probably illegal substances. Its not my kind of thing. I know Trish is my best friend and I love her, I really do, but I cant do it. I wont surround myself like that. I'll call her tomorrow.

My mind is tired and my body aches. I'm also still sweaty from my dream. I should get into the shower but my motivation to do anything is gone. I lay on me bed, slowly drifting off yet again.

…

_I'm at a party? Trish's party maybe? Who knows, doesn't change the fact that I don't want to be here. I look around, look at people faces. Everyone has the same eye color. Blue. Normal blue eye color? I notice many people are starting conversations but no sound it being said. They're mouths are moving but I can't hear anything. _

_I look around more and all the couples kissing aren't actually kissing? It looks as if they're kissing the air?_

_Something isn't right. I need to leave._

_I jolt to the door but the hall ways grows longer, far away from the reach. I pick up my speed but the hallwayed door continues to mover further away from me. I turn kept and open the closet door to me. In panic I run threw the door way._

_Suddenly I'm sitting on a couch. What the hell? I'm at a different house. A different party. I have never seen these people before. I stand up, slowly waking and taking in my every surroundings. _

_I make my way to the stair case that leads up stares. I hear static. Like the sound a TV makes when its not connected to its proper channel. _

_Suddenly I'm in a bedroom. The lights off. I'm in a bed. I jolt to sit up. I'm naked. A hand rubs my back and I jump out of the bed covering myself with the blanket._

_Its Austin. _

_He makes his way over to me and asks me something. I can't hear him. I try to tell him I can't hear but my mouth never moves. He grabs me and wraps me in his arms. Pulling me the bed._

_He climbs on top of me and begins to kiss my neck. I try to move. Try to talk but nothing is happening. His kisses trail to my breasts and I feel my body turn to ice. He looks up at me,confused. Then startled. He gently places his thumb under my nose. When he pulls his hand back I see blood. _

_I hear static again._

_…_

I wake up in panic. Two nightmares including Austin in one night. Amazing.

I need a shower.

_And a new sub conscious. _


	5. Chapter 5

**This is the result of a manically depressed person who ran out of medicine. Basically, this is going to sad af**

…

Austin's POV

I hit the highway. The slick, smooth roads are clear having only a few street light illuminate the pale grey paradise. My paradise, yes, yes. The roads, whether smooth, rock, gravel, whatever I have always loved driving. Especially by myself. Most of the time I blast my radio but tonight I feel anything but wanting to do that. I keep thinking about _her. _I also keep thinking about the waitress I met. I think about her smooth blonde hair that falls perfectly around her face. Framing her angelic features. I think about how good of a distraction I need and how she fits the bill perfectly. But even when I think of all the things I could do to that waitress my mind slips back to _her. Ally. My precious, good girl, Ally._

She made me realize that it is entirely possible to love someone else when you hate yourself. I poured out all my love to her, gave her everything I just didn't have any left for myself.

Funnily enough I fucked things up. I sound like I'm the victim but really I'm just the blood thirsty predator. The ugly villain on a Marvel DCOM. The mean boss everyone hates. That's me.

I wish I'd never even went to Ally's party. I could've just made it up to her the next day. Bought her that giant teddy bear she always talked about.

I did actually buy that. Not the one she wanted, though. I couldn't find that specific one. I bought her a white one. Soft with a pink heart shaped nose. Soft to the touch. I knew she wouldn't mind it wasn't the one she wanted. Mostly because Ally is the grateful type. Also because it was three times the size of the one she wanted. The damn thing is as big as me haha. I was going to give it to her for valentines day but never got the chance, obviously. It sits in my closet now pretty much taking up the entire closet space. I bought four months in advance because I knew once February came close things that cute would be off shelves in a week. I also bought it in advance because she's was always on my mind, especially when I was shopping. I would go to the mall for a pair of pants. For myself. But I would end up spending hours wandering threw Victoria secret or Forever 21 looking for stuff Ally would love. Everywhere I went I thought of her, thought "what would Ally like from this place". She hated when I bought her stuff randomly but god, I loved the way her eyes lit up and how crimson her cheeks would get.

She was always on my mind and the sad thing is she still haunts my every second. Last month I walked into Victoria secret looking at bras and underwear. _For Ally. _We'd been broken up two month prior. I'd forgotten she wasn't mine anymore. I was so upset I left in a hurry. I went home and…. Well…I didn't cry but I was close. It was dark and I just laid on my floor staring at my ceiling. I was still for so long I forgot to breathe. I continued after I caught my breath, I continued to hold my breath for short… sometimes long amounts of time. I wanted to suffocate myself with my pillow case. I decided that wasn't how I wanted my family to see me. Swirled up in a beige pillow case like that.

If I were ever to take my life I would do it where no one was around and no one would find me.

Like… like jumping off a cliff.

My eyes trail to the bridge to my left. I shake my head to myself. Its not worth it. I drive about a half a mile away from the bridge but I can't stop thinking about the sensation of falling. The cold, heavy, water hitting my face as I fall. It would be painful. Both hitting the water and also gasping for breath. Ah but the cool wind is calling my name. I look in my rear view mirror and pull over to the side of the road. I turn my car off. I sit in complete silence as I let darkness rash over my subconscious. I peel the black leather on my steering wheel. _Maybe… if. _I shake my head again. _Just a look. _I tell myself. _Just a look is all I need._ I look to my right and make a you turn for the bridge once more.

15 minutes later I arrive to this beautiful place. I pull my car over to the opposite side and turn it off.

I look both ways and walked across the road. The pavement is smooth and easy to walk over. I take it a sign that this is what I must do. I walked to the rail and run my hand on it. Its cold.

This is pathetic. _Im fucking pathetic._

I act like a can take on the world. I act cold hearted. Everyone hates me, even my own fucking father couldn't stand me. Im so weak. Im so weak that I force myself to be strong because I know I cant take much. One blow and I break like fragile glass. Im so full of it.

Full of love

Full of hate

Full of hope

Full of tears

_Full of pain._

I want to feel things, actually feel them instead of shrugging any affection I get.

I want to know if I died today who would miss me. Who would cry over me. Who would still think about me. Who would… miss me, Austin.

I wouldn't. I wouldn't miss me.

For some reason I think about that damn teddy bear. Its stupid cute face and stupid brown bow. Stupid fucking thing. I could still give Ally it. Just leave it at her door stop and never leave a trace. Just thinking about her reaction if she saw it. Her wide smile and glazed over eyes. Looking around for someone. God.

I feel worse knowing that I'm the reason she stopped smiling. Its my fault. My fault she cries, my fault shes sick, my fault she hates herself. What I did made her think she wasn't good enough but goddammit she was too much. A good too much. I never felt really loved or even appreciated until her. Even before we dated I always felt… felt…I don't know. Like I meant something. To her at least, or did.

My chest is pulling again but this time I don't move. I let it continue. My insides feel empty. I feel like I'm being pulled down by weight.

_You're a disgrace to your name. No wonder your own father hates you. _

I rest my arms on the metal bridge. Its cold and the wind smells like gas and pollution.

My breathe hitches and it becomes hard to breathe. My nose stings along with my eyes.

If I just get it over with, if I just…_jump._

How sweet it'll feel to feel all this pain and then nothing. Nothing at all.

I don't want to try to move on because all I'll ever be is the "son of Mike Moon" and I will never live up to the moon name.

Worthless. Hopeless. Screwed up. I am so damaged. Lost. Fragile. Hurt. Unlovable. Ruined.

I look to the moon. Funny, huh. How my last breaths will be taken place under the _moon. _Judging me. Watching my ever move with the same expression. Just like my father.

I know that if I died, though, people would get over it quickly because I'm not something to dwell on. My prescience in this world is running out. I have no purpose here anymore.

...

**The next chap will be hella cute no worries**


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